It’s been a wild 10 days to say the least.
Two Fridays ago, I ate a bunch of sushi. Nothing too crazy or risky. Spicy tuna rolls and salmon avocado rolls. The usual. Standard. Simple. Reliable.
The next morning, my tummy hurt (go back and read that again but in a baby accent). Now look, I’m definitely going to be opening up in this newsletter about a lot of facets of my life (my divorce, 3.5 month stint of unemployment, and mental health journey to start), but I am absolutely going to spare you, the reader, from the details of what happened after my itty bitty tummy ache (I bet you read that naturally in a baby accent this time, ha!).
For the following 6 days, I was stuck in between the couch and my bed with a fever that was severe enough that at one point, it had me hallucinating that I was starring as a Sheriff in a Western movie. Wild. All I had was my TV and this window to look out at. The window was more interesting.
My body felt like a sack of soggy potatoes. My lower abdomen felt like it was going to burst out. I took a bunch of different medicines. They made me feel worse.
I tried to control my sickness and in turn, got a healthy dose of humble pie from the universe as it begged me to finally fucking learn that I cannot control every aspect of my life; no matter how painful it feels.
I’d like to say LESSON LEARNED but I can’t control that either.
Anyway, the day I ate the sushi was the day of my final interview for a job I was excited about. The following Monday, feeling like a pile of inflamed cells, I got the call from the recruiter and he offered me the job. He said, “I hope this makes you feel better - I was able to secure the salary you asked for and I’m about to send the official offer over to your email!”
FINALLY, AFTER 3.5 MONTHS I WAS BACK IN THE GAME!
Now, I like to think of my brain the same way Spongebob does - little, mini versions of me with thousands of filing cabinets; pulling memories, storing thoughts, and reacting to the world around me.
You could tell the recruiter was so proud to offer me the job; like he felt great about the whole thing. I, on the other hand, felt absolutely terrible but mentally felt absolutely incredible. The little versions of me in my brain were running around with their arms above their head, cheering and screaming and fist pumping. Yet, what came out of my sickly mouth in response to the recruiter was quite the opposite.
“Hey man, thank you so much man. I’m so excited man. Thank you for getting me to that salary man, I’m thrilled man. Wow.”
The tone of my voice was stuck somewhere in between Tommy Chong post-bong rip and Action Bronson post-wine sip.
I think the recruiter realized how sick I was because he promptly responded with, “Okay cool I’ll send this over to you now. Please sign as soon as you can and call me if you have any questions.”
I texted friends and family to let them know I finally landed a job. Everyone asked me “OMG HOW DOES IT FEEL?” It made me think. The only thing I could really feel was proud.
Physically, I felt terrible. Mentally, I felt incredible. But what about emotionally?
I had a really hard time feeling my emotions last week during my bad stomach infection. I didn’t journal once. Emotionally, I was numb. I got inquisitive.
Must we be physically ok to feel our emotions? If to feel is an action, then one must physically be capable of feeling in order to feel their feelings, no?
Coming out of the sickness a few days ago, my new reality started to set in. I landed a job and I start next week. I’m excited about it. I’m really fucking proud of myself. [More to come on the job in a later post because I have more to say on it; especially the part about how I heard of the company and job to begin with. You’ll love the story.]
For now, I wanted to simply call attention to one of the more intriguing paradoxes I’ve experienced in life: to be physically so sick, yet so proud of myself. What a life. I feel present.
A few random bits as I wrap up this uncharacteristically, out-of-focus newsletter entry:
Season 3 of The Bear on Hulu was average and underwhelming. However, Tina’s episode that Ayo Edebiri directed (Napkins) hit home. The way she feels about working. How resentment builds. Impatience. Trying to control the outcome but having no authority to actually control anything but the effort put forth in interviews and job hunting. I was captivated and it felt validating after 3.5 months of trying so hard to land a(ny) job. A delayed train after a bad day leading to crying over a roast beef sandwich…c’mon we’ve ALL been there!
Deadwood on HBO Max is probably what prompted my Sheriff fever dream. I was binging it while sick last week and as I do with most TV shows that I’m obsessed with, I started talking in their accents and using their lingo. To my friends and family, I’ll try to reel this in a bit. I’m aware that conversational terms from 1876 can be jarring in 2024. Just be grateful that they’re done making new seasons of Top Boy…innit.
Conversation is an art. I’m going to do a full post on this soon as I have some more notes written around this. But conversation is an art and I’d like to partake in it more.
Leave a comment if you can relate to feeling sick and proud. Leave a comment if you want to discuss The Bear or Deadwood or the price of cheese. Leave a comment if you just want to say hi.
Thank you for reading - I’ll be back soon.
I enjoyed this. Congrats Lawerence!
Ooooooh! Let's talk about The Bear! I actually really liked Season Three. It was tonally different from the previous two seasons, but, much like S2 of "The Wire" grew on me, I think this season was essential to the arc. It was a lot about characters wrestling with the impact of abuse- the (legitimately annoying) "haunting" conversations were the throughline.
- Carmy is haunted by David and is re-enacting the behavior he absorbed
- Sydney is wrestling with co-dependency with her father and with Carmy and is clearly at an inflection point: does she stick with Carmy and potentially continue the cycle or does she join Eric aaaand... who would she be then?
- Claire is haunted by Carmy (implications of the abuse he experienced)
- Natalie is haunted by Donna but they reconcile as Natalie is giving birth to the next generation
- Richie is haunted by his relationship with Tiff and how he has outgrown it- the heartbreak of realizing you've become a better person, now worthy of the partner you abused
- Sweeps is haunted by his baseball career
- Everyone is haunted by Mikey
And yes, I LOVED "Napkins". It was a case study of why we need to #HireBetter.
(I'm connecting the dots as I write this.)
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